hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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