She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
