I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
