what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
