my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We have started to decorate penises.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
