Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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