Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
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