I wish they made helmets for livers.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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