i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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