So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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