I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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