my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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