fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
