We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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