my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Randomize
