so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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