I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize