Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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