Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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