Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There r osticjed everywhere
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
