Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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