Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
