i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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