Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
