dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
