I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
