Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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