im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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