My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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