Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
