we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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