It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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