apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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