you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize