she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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