good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
