I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Sponge bath it is.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
