i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
