My nipple is on Facebook.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
