My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
