I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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