I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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