At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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