DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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