Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
