Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
