i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize