Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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