I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
