A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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