I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
