i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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