Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
