At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
