dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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