There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
