And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
