Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
