I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
