i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
