that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
