I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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