I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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