Four minutes until I can fart!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
he fucked my hip out of place.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
All the doctor said was why
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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