Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
