i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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